As a signatory to Geraldton’s Community, Respect and Equality Agreement, the WA Centre for Rural Health is committed to recognising and promoting the attitudes and behaviours that prevent family and domestic violence (FDV) and to promoting gender equality.
In 2019, WACRH staff were invited to contribute their personal stories of FDV. The result was Making the Invisible Visible, a booklet of deeply felt and harrowing personal experiences that highlight the lifelong impacts of FDV. Even within the relatively privileged environment of a university workplace, multiple people had deeply disturbing experiences of family and gender violence. While alcohol and mental illness were sometimes a part of those stories, the common element was of men exerting control over and intimidating others, mostly women and children.
International and Australian research shows that when there are high levels of equality between men and women in public and private life, there is less FDV. Even though Australia is a relatively equal society, there are still many ways that inequality between men and women is maintained. That inequality is starkly evident in the strongly gendered nature of FDV, with women and children overwhelmingly the victims of violence perpetrated by partners, husbands, fathers, brothers, sons…
Recently, we again asked WACRH staff to share their stories, this time of gender equality and ways we can personally contribute to a society which is free of family and domestic violence.
The stories we received remind us that the way we raise our children to conform to or challenge narrow gender stereotypes, the value we give to ‘traditional’ roles and types of work, and our acceptance or rejection of violence in general are all ways we contribute to creating a world that either supports equality and reduces violence, or contributes to inequality ongoing violence.
On cooking…
“My husband cooks most of the meals in our household. He really enjoys cooking and finds it relaxing. He also enjoys the satisfaction of preparing delicious food for his family. He has been the main cook since we started living together, yet even now after many years of marriage, new friends are surprised to learn that he does most of the cooking, and relatives routinely asks me what I’m cooking for dinner.”
On challenging gender stereotypes…
“When my son was 4, he wanted to wear a dress. We were reluctant at first, but I went out and bought him a dress under the condition that he only wore it at home. He was so excited to wear his dress and show it to everyone, but I wouldn’t let him wear it in public because I was worried about what people would say either to him or to me. I wish I had been braver and let him wear it in public.”
On housework….
“My husband cooks and cleans in our house, more so now that he isn’t working. That doesn’t go down well with some of his ‘cousin brothers’. If more people were understanding of this – that some men like to cook and clean and that it’s not just a women’s duty - that would be good.”
On challenging gender stereotypes…
“When my youngest son was 3, he wanted to wear sparkly rainbow gumboots. I bought him some and he rocked them in public until he grew out of them. One day a friend in my mother’s group debated aloud about whether buying her son mustard-coloured gumboots ‘would be too gay’. I didn’t say anything to challenge this, but I wish I had. I’m quite ashamed of my lack of courage.”
On crying and showing emotion…
“When my boys were growing up their father hated seeing them cry and always told them only girl’s cry! I would always tell my boys that boys and men do cry and that it is normal to cry as a human being!”
On being a parent…
“My husband and I have two young children. Our oldest child has had health issues that required hospital stays and surgeries. Thankfully, everything is all sorted.
We both attend all appointments because we’re both his parents (not Mum and the ‘babysitter’ Dad). Typically, we both work full-time, and we prioritise our leave entitlements accordingly.
However, we are treated very differently. Comments my husband receives:
- “It’s so good you take time off to come to appointments”
- “Wow, look at that Dad going out with both kids. Wonder where the Mum is?”
- “Why does your wife never come to school drop off?”
- “Why doesn’t your Mum come along?
- “You’re such a good Dad!”
- “Your wife is so lucky!”
My husband is now on parental leave, and it continues:
- “Have a good holiday!”
- “What are you *even* going to do with your time off?”
- “Why did your wife go back to work?”
- “Why isn’t the baby in day-care?”
- “So, you’re the Mum now!?”
- “Do you know how to take care of kids?”
My husband is the primary caregiver - he cooks, cleans, manages the cloth nappies, makes school lunches, reads parenting books, does messy play, etc. He is an awesome stay at home parent, and I tell him every day. These activities are seen as routine tasks for Mums. There is no praise, it’s just expected. I can’t help but wonder when are people going to acknowledge Mums who work, who are studying, who are caring for others, raising children, carrying the mental load? We believe in equality, so either pat us both on the back or carry on with your day.”
Go to the CRE Facebook page to see more contributions to the conversation about gender equality and preventing FDV.